


barren winter with his wrathful nipping cold

by sevedra



Series: in winter with warm tears we'll melt the snow [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Winter Soldier (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Break Up/Make Up, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Christmas, Christmas Makes Everything Better, Established Relationship, Hanukkah, Happy Ending, I manage to bash him a little anyway, Jewish Bucky Barnes, Little bit Not Steve Rogers Friendly, M/M, Makeup, No Smut, Not Captain America: Civil War (Movie) Compliant, Post-Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie), Post-Iron Man 3, Prompt Fill, Sequel, Stark-N-Barnes (StarSpangledBucky), Steve isn't even in this story, The Winter Soldier killed The Starks, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Winteriron Holiday Exchange
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-09-07 12:38:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16854118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sevedra/pseuds/sevedra
Summary: Tony had expected to spend this Christmas alone. But he has James now.All is looking up for them until secrets try to tear them apart.





	barren winter with his wrathful nipping cold

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stark-N-Barnes (StarSpangledBucky)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarSpangledBucky/gifts).



> This is for Stark-N-Barnes (StarSpangledBucky) as part of the 2018 WinterIron Holiday Exchange.
> 
> I sort-of promised a follow-up to [ "now is the winter of our discontent"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14528508) (I changed that title to be the direct shakespeare line) I thought using another winter setting seemed fitting. I hope my giftee doesn't mind. I think this can easily read as a stand-alone.
> 
> Huge beta thank you to both lilmissawesome and capnstarky

James had been living in the tower with Tony for five months. Moving in had been a fresh start. It'd been early summer and the perfect time for making a new life. The world had felt alive. Like anything was possible. New beginnings. Now, December was just starting and Christmas was around the corner. Hope was in the air.

Tony had expected to spend the rest of his Christmases alone. He'd been sure that if he couldn't make things work with Pepper, then he would never be able to make things work with anyone. Pepper had known him for years before they dated, she knew all of his faults, all of his sins; she knew everything beforehand. It had hurt so much to know that even going in prepared and eyes wide open, she hadn’t been able to stay.

He'd spent the previous winter drunk as a result. It had seemed like the only solution he had left. He'd been so miserable, so alone, so broken; he couldn't think of any other way to numb the pain and get through the days. He'd been sober since the palladium poisoning. Four years. He and Pepper had been dating and he had recovered from near death; it was logical to stop pouring alcohol into his damaged body. He'd thought if he were healthy, he'd be with Pepper longer.

Even before losing Pepper, Tony's life had been on a decline. It seemed that his life spiraled from one disaster to another. It wasn't enough to be in a committed relationship, he couldn't be allowed peace. After the palladium, there had been space aliens, panic attacks, and crippling fear. Then the whole Mandarin/AIM fiasco. Not one of his best moments, but it turned out well in the end. Maybe not so well. He lost his home in California. He'd designed that house himself. He loved New York but it didn't even compare to Malibu. The peace and quiet alone was a tremendous loss. New York was loud.

After that, there'd been Sokovia. Ultron had been all of his worst fears and nightmares come to life. To make it worse, Rogers had taken in HYDRA's last standing Maximoff, whom Tony truly believed had started it all. The other Avengers had fucked off after that fiasco. Well, they hadn't exactly gone anywhere; but they had made him feel so unwelcome, so harshly judged that he'd fled the compound for safer waters. Though Bruce had actually left, abandoned him. But the ones who remained, their cold unforgiveness, their willingness to think he had maliciously created a murder-bot, it was all more than he could live near. Being completely alone was better than being with people who hated him.

After Steve Roger's act of intimidation on Barton's farm, Tony believed for a moment that he really was guilty. He had believed for just a moment that he should have actually explained his scientific process to Steve Rogers before carrying out an experiment, that he should have sought Rogers' permission and approval. He had believed, briefly, that not telling Rogers what he was doing was equivalent to keeping secrets from the team. He was a grown man with multiple degrees in fields related to science and technology. Rogers could barely operate a laptop and wouldn't know a scientific process if it bit him on the ass. He had allowed Rogers to make him feel that he was irresponsible and small. Like a naughty child.

It turned out that Rogers had been keeping secrets of his own. When they welcomed the HYDRA witch onto the team, Tony became suspicious of Rogers' actions. He'd conducted a thorough audit of all the Avengers' activities. Discovering that Cap was using the Avengers' Quinjet for unsanctioned missions made Tony almost angry enough to confront him about his hypocrisy. The more he investigated, the more serious were the infractions he found. Rogers was also funneling money from the Avengers' accounts. At first, Tony was stunned that Cap even knew what embezzling was. Never one to let a mystery go, and hesitant in light of his recent departure from the team, Tony quietly kept digging. Rogers wasn't embezzling, exactly, he was searching for The Winter Soldier; who turned out to be none other than Cap's long-lost dead best friend.

Steve Rogers was stealing money from the Avengers to fund a secret manhunt for his terrorist, assassin pal. Tony could barely wrap his mind around it. He was beyond angry. He was offended. Disappointed. It was a slap in the face of what the Avengers were meant to do. He got in his car several times to go to the compound and confront Rogers. Air the whole sordid affair in front of the others. Shame him for his immoral activities. Call him out for the liar and secret keeper he was. But every time, he went back inside. He remembered that shield flying at his head. He remembered no one reacting at all. As if Tony were some contemptible villain that Rogers was justified in attacking. Hell, Tony hadn't even been armed. Or armored. It was luck, really, that he'd thought to make the suit independently automated; that he'd gotten it to work. Rogers would actually have killed him. And they'd all just stood there. He wasn't afraid, not precisely. But there was no need to push it.

Tony cut his losses and let the matter drop. It wasn't worth giving himself an ulcer over. He reduced his personal funding of the Avengers by half and told them if he wasn't working with them, he wasn't supporting them completely either. They had run of the compound and generous accounts for missions. They were not happy with the change. They had lost SHIELD's funding already. Less money would mean being more aware of which missions they chose. Hopefully, the shortened funding would curb Rogers’ spending. They'd reacted with outrage and accused him of being petty. It wasn't nearly as wounding as their reaction to Ultron.

 

The final result of his drunken spree was finding an odd friendship with a homeless vet. It had given him the kick in the pants he'd needed to get himself sober and back in AA. He could easily have died in a frozen alleyway that first night. It was a much-needed wake-up call. He had been so lucky he'd been found by a man with a mother-hen streak a mile wide. He'd left his number when he went home. His vet had disappeared and Tony had despaired that he hadn't been able to fix things for him as much as James had fixed things for Tony. He felt he owed the man a debt. When his homeless hero had finally called him a few months later ready to try getting off the streets, he was ecstatic. But who should that veteran turn out to be? None other than Cap's long-lost dead best friend.

 

James and Tony had more in common than an amnesiac, brainwashed, ex-assassin and a genius, billionaire, philanthropist might have imagined. When neither could sleep, usually due to nightmares, they'd talk in the near-dark. Their shared experience of capture, torture, and escape was a frequent topic. Non-consensual body modification made a regular appearance. Living with the constant pain of said modifications led to many nights in the workshop going over technical schematics hoping for new ideas to make their prostheses less of a burden. Nothing came of those brainstorming sessions, they were each stuck with their metal replacements. But still, they passed the time on a meaningful pursuit and helped solidify the growing bond between them.

Tony conducted a fair amount of research into psychologists specializing in victims of brainwashing and torture, ones who worked heavily with ex-military and PTSD sufferers. He eventually found someone credible whose strengths and talents overlapped enough to satisfy him. After an interview and several NDAs, James had someone professional to help him work on getting better. And if Tony found himself an agreeable therapist in his search, well, that was probably good for him, too.

One condition of James coming to the tower was that Steve Rogers couldn't know he was there. Time had passed and progress had been made but James continued to refuse to let Steve know that he had come in. James was just not ready, he was still healing. Still learning to be who he was now. He remembered everything but wasn't finished coming to terms with the loss of his Bucky-self and the horrible things The Winter Soldier had done. He was not emotionally equipped to face his old friend yet. He wanted to be the best himself he could be before dealing with Steve's expectations.

 

Not long after James moved in they'd begun a slow dance around one another. It was one step forward and two steps back, two steps forward and one step back for over four months. James cooking meals for Tony when he had been in the workshop too long. Tony buying clothes that were soft and comfortable because James had nothing but harshness in his life for so long. James bundling Tony off to bed before 2 AM every night. Tony sitting with James for pop-culture heavy movies and tv shows that he considered must-see material. James finally trusting Tony enough to examine the metal arm that was a horrible gift from HYDRA. Tony restraining himself even though there were 100 things he saw that needed immediate upgrading or replacing. All the while exchanging heated glances and longing looks behind one another's backs.

Halloween had been a turning point. They'd decided to wear costumes. Tony was Harry Potter. But James had dressed in an Iron Man costume complete with a sheath covering his metal arm in red and gold.

"I don't know if you noticed, but you're totally wearing my suit. It looks good on you."

James laughed, "Everything looks good on me. But I have to say, the Iron Man armor is the hottest thing I've ever seen."

Tony had finally given in to his desire and kissed James as soon as he'd lifted the faceplate.

"I wasn't sure I could do that." Tony stroked his hand through James' hair. He pressed up and kissed him again.

"I'm glad you did. You can do that anytime you want. I probably never would've made the first move. Too hesitant these days." James wrapped his hand around the back of Tony's neck. He leaned his forehead against Tony's. "Yeah, I'm glad you did this."

They didn't rush their romance any more than they had their friendship. James didn't like leaving the tower, so they had indoor dates. Take-out or delivery on a blanket in the gym. Cooking together and eating by candlelight, and 30-minute breaks together in the coffee shop on the 3rd floor became the new normal. It was calm and steady. Sweet. James had too much HYDRA still in his head to want to go too fast. Tony had watched too many relationships sink to want to push this one too quickly towards the finish line. Neither of them wanted there to be a finish line.

Kissing until their lips were nearly numb was enough. Feeling each other out, metaphorically as well as physically, was as much fun for them both as actual sex would have been. James was content to let Tony explore his upper body more each time until he could feel as comfortable with his prosthetic as Tony swore he already was. Tony preferred letting James get acquainted with the Arc Reactor through his clothes for a long while before he would be ready for anyone, even James, to touch it when it was exposed and vulnerable.

So the physical aspect of the relationship was restrained, but that didn't make it any less intense. The way James made deep, searching eye contact could be overwhelming. When he brushed his metal fingers up the back of Tony's rib cage, the tremors it caused were as wracking as if it happened during sex. Tony's tendency to tug the hairs underneath the surface, closest to James' nape, gave James a heady feeling of submission without giving up control. When Tony kissed along the join of metal and flesh of his shoulder, right over the scarring, he felt cared for, worshipped, maybe loved.

There were five beautiful weeks of fragile growth. Tentative stretching of boundaries. An emotional yearning that made their blood sing.

Tony began to hope. His heart seemed willing to put him out there again. His head wasn't so sure. James opening up to him about his nightmares and flashbacks and panic attacks convinced him that James was trustworthy. A kind and loving man who'd been dealt perhaps the worst hand in history. Tony's heart was making the decisions.

James hadn't experienced anything like love in so long, he almost didn't recognize it. There was a constant warmth inside of him. A swelling feeling in his chest when he was with Tony. And he couldn't stop smiling. He wasn't sure it was love, yet, but he was sure it was going to be.

 

Thanksgiving night, Tony had the bots bring boxes up from one of the lower levels. James laughed to see them struggling with plastic bins with unsecured lids and bits of garland and strands of lights trailing out of them. He watched as they carefully unpacked an artificial tree and hundreds of ornaments. He saw how happy Tony looked. Like a little kid seeing a magic trick.

Tony brought out eggnog, (no bourbon), it was still delicious, just add a dash of nutmeg and it was perfect. He hung mistletoe in the entryways and tugged James underneath "to test it out". James stood on a ladder to attach the light strands to tiny hooks near the ceiling. He looked adorable with one of Tony's Iron Man themed bows taped to his head. The bots unpacked everything very carefully but still got themselves covered in tinsel. Tony just laughed and picked it off string by string. It was homey and relaxed.

James had celebrated Christmas with Steve when they were young. He knew what it all represented. He had no idea when it had become such a commercial holiday. He wondered if other celebrations were this public and mainstream now. Well, only one way to find out, it was confession time.

"Um, Tony. I... I was with HYDRA a long time. I haven't celebrated a holiday since the War. Steve and I exchanged gifts at Christmas sometimes, but... I'm not, that is, I'm... I'm Jewish?"

Knowing all the horrible things that had happened to the Jewish people in Europe, James wasn't sure what the reaction would be. Were Jews still considered devil worshipping Christ killers? Was Tony going to shrink away?

"Really? I didn't know that! The history books all say you were Catholic, like Steve. Huh. Learn something new every day." Tony looked up suddenly, a look of apprehension on his face. "Oh! Do you mind the Christmas thing? I guess we don't have to have all this stuff up... I like it, but it's really just the decorations and the presents. It isn't really a religious thing. But if it offends you, I can send it all back down to storage?"

"No! The Christmas stuff doesn't offend me. Me being Jewish doesn't offend you? It was a bad thing back in my day. I mean, in Europe they were killing people. But even here, in New York, there was a lot of backlash sometimes, if your neighbors knew." James looked away, across the room, a little unfocused as though he were lost in a memory for a moment.

James ran his hands through his hair. "I guess hanging out with Steve, people assumed I was the same. And Barnes is a normal enough sounding name. But my Ma, she was Jewish. It's passed down through the mothers, you know? My father didn't really hold with any religion, but he let Ma do what made her happy. So long as she kept it quiet-like."

"Of course not! Should we do the Jewish holiday thing? Is it Hanukkah? The silver stars and those little spinning tops?" Tony looked excited, he would get a two-for-one holiday season! "Friday! Order a bunch of Hanukkah stuff and have it delivered."

"Yeah. Hanukkah. Haven't done that since even before the War. Lighting the candles." James met Tony's eyes, his own widened with wonder. "We can do that? You'd let me do that? Here?"

"Let you? If it's okay with you, then I'd like us to both do it. I can learn. We can do Christmas and Hanukkah!" Tony rubbed his hands together like an excited child. "More presents. More decorations. Right up my alley."

Hanukkah started December 2nd. The first two nights, James lit the candles for his new Menorah and spoke the prayers in Hebrew. He explained about the Maccabees, the Miracle of the Oil, and why it's called the Festival of Lights to a fascinated Tony. He enjoyed watching the ceremonial style of it and hearing James speak yet another language. He bought James small gifts to open, more expensive than James preferred, but less than Tony wanted to spend. A beautiful watch and a red and gold tie pin. They sat and watched the candles burn and Tony felt the weight of the rituals and kept quiet to respect James' reverence. It was peaceful.

 

But all good things must end. Tony received an alert from the Avenger's mission account that there was unusual activity. The alert told Tony that Rogers had withdrawn a large sum, enough to risk the next mission being underfunded. Tony realized that something would have to be done. He could no longer afford to do nothing. The Avengers could - literally - no longer afford it. He pulled up all of the leaked files from SHIELD/HYDRA. Somewhere in them, there must be something he could pass to Rogers that would keep him closer to home and off The Winter Soldier's trail through history. What he found was not something he needed to pass to Rogers. He watched the video three times, tears streaming down his face. Given the location of the information, it was very likely that Rogers had seen it. That he already knew. And had been keeping yet another secret.

The Winter Soldier had killed Howard and Maria Stark.

 

James watched the video Tony was playing. He could barely breathe. Tears pricked behind his eyelids. His throat was closing up. Maybe he was in shock?

"Did you know?"

"I didn't know it was him..."

"Don't bullshit me, Barnes! Did you know?"

"I swear, Tony, I didn't know it was him. I have seen that road in my dreams, my nightmares. My point of view isn't like that camera though. The Winter Soldier never looked directly at his face. He knew me, in the nightmares, I can hear him say my name. I knew the voice was familiar. I should've tried to figure it out."

"You are The Winter Soldier!"

"I know! I... trust me, I never forget that."

"Neither can I. I can't look at you now."

"I understand. I'm sorry. So fucking sorry Tony."

Tony stormed from the room without looking back. Bucky's knees gave out. He stared through the twinkling Christmas lights, not seeing anything that was in the room. Instead, that road, that video, playing on repeat in his head.

 

James retreated to his rooms. He couldn't relax, so he paced and paced. He punched a hole in the wall. He packed his belongings and stood there, bag in hand, forehead pressed to the door. He didn't want to leave. He liked living here. He liked Tony. He was happy here. He was relearning how to be a regular person. His therapist came here. He was building a life. A life he wanted. He was getting somewhere with Tony. He thought, maybe, he was falling in love. Of course, this would be ruined. Tony would never want to be with him now. He should go. But... he owed Tony. So, he'd wait. Eventually, Tony would let him know what needed to be done. Maybe he'd turn him in to the authorities. The police? Probably not, maybe the CIA? The FBI? A foreign government? The KGB wasn't officially a thing anymore. It wouldn't matter. It was up to Tony. James would go along with whatever Tony decided. For now, he would wait.

In the weeks that followed, James barely slept at all. His nightmares returned full force. He canceled appointments with his therapist. He found no relief in pushing to tire himself out. He tried not to go to the common room, afraid of running into Tony. Knowing that Tony didn't want to see him. He'd honor that. Some nights he couldn't bear to be in his room and he had to venture out into the public spaces. He never encountered Tony there. It was lonely.

 

Tony locked himself in the workshop for almost a solid week. It took six days for him to finally get a handle on his desire to get blackout drunk. He tried to spend that first night in the penthouse, but access to the outside world was too easy from there. Friday might not want him to get drunk, but she couldn't deny him if he ordered her to have liquor delivered to him. He was still mentally together enough to go to the shop and enact a lock-down before he gave in. Blackout protocols prevented any outside interference, so no alcohol delivery before he could control himself. He managed to build a new helper-bot and send off the next two levels of Stark-Phone upgrades during that week.

After he felt less like a trainwreck looking for a crossing, he retreated to his apartment. He moped there for days on end. He couldn't stop seeing that hand wrapping around his mother's throat. At first, he had only seen James choking the life from her, but that had shifted. His emotions under a firmer grip, he could look at it in his mind and now see The Winter Soldier. He knew that James was not The Winter Soldier. Not anymore. He regretted throwing that comparison in James' face. It ignored all the progress James had made. His anger and anguish could never be laid at James' feet. He needed a little longer to finish grieving, but he wasn't blaming James for it anymore.

Rogers, on the other hand, Rogers had to know. And Tony was perfectly willing to lay blame at his feet. Rogers had preached about the destructive power of secrets. Yet he'd kept his missions, his wild spending and Tony's parents' murder, secret. Even if James wasn't the one responsible, Rogers had kept the mere fact that the Starks had been murdered a secret. No one in HYDRA had been held responsible because the authorities, and Tony, believed it was a drunk driving accident perpetrated by Howard. HYDRA was literally getting away with another murder, thanks to Steve Rogers.

 

James found himself pacing the common room, alone, at midnight. Again. This was the fourth time he'd done this since Tony had walked away. He'd tried going to the gym, but he couldn't summon enough energy to get in a good workout. Usually, it was dark in the common room at night. Tonight though, Friday had turned on the Christmas lights. There were strands along the tops of the walls, illuminating even the furthest corners. And the tree. It was beautiful. More than a thousand tiny white lights glittering like stars mingled in the greenery, tracing each branch. A rainbow of winking lights flashed where the light reflected off the colored bulbs.

James felt so much sadness at the festive display with no one to be happy about any of it. He thought the lights really did look like stars. Spontaneously, he lay on the floor and scooted under the tree until his head was beside the stand. Looking up, through the branches, past ornaments, through the lights, he finally felt peace. Tomorrow was Christmas Eve. He'd leave Tony's gift under the tree. He'd pack his things. It would be foolish to try to go anywhere on the holiday itself, but come the 26th, he'd remove himself from Tony's space. It wasn't fair to stay here. Letting Tony feed him, house him, clothe him, when his hands had taken the lives of Tony's parents. He had waited long enough. It was obvious to him now that Tony shouldn't shoulder the responsibility of dealing with The Winter Soldier's crime. Tony couldn't bear to even look at him. It would be better to just go.

 

Later that same night, Tony entered the common room as quietly as possible. He'd asked Friday if the coast was clear, but it was always best to be cautious. He didn't blame James, he knew good and well that James wasn't responsible for the things HYDRA had made him do. He wasn't even angry with James, but he still felt raw and exposed. Seeing that video had been a shock. He wasn't sure he'd ever been that off-balance before. It was almost Christmas. It was turning out just as he had feared. He was destined to spend the rest of his Christmases alone, starting with this one. Or, he could put this behind him. Use his brain to tell his heart what to do. Maybe there was hope.

He would get his emotions in order and ask James to meet him on Christmas Day to clear the air. He'd apologize for taking his anger out on him. He'd kiss him under the mistletoe and make everything okay. And he'd make an appointment to see his therapist as soon as she was back from her vacation. He may have worked through a lot of this on his own, but he felt like an emotional grease stain. Tonight, he just wanted to sit in the magical Christmas ambiance. Truthfully, the decorations had always been his favorite part of the season. Something about Christmas lights had always seemed so otherworldly.

 

In the common room on Christmas Eve, James shifted the gift he held from one hand to the other. He couldn't convince himself that he should be here. The tree was bright and beautiful. There weren't any presents under it at all. It looked forlorn, the expectation for so much festivity with no fulfillment. He was going to leave this one thing for Tony and then hide in his room again. He hoped Tony would at least come by to see the decorations tonight or tomorrow. It would be a shame for him to not even know he had a gift. James just stood staring at the lights, letting his eyes shift out of focus so that everything was a blur. Life was a little better in soft focus. He was so deep in thought he didn't hear Tony enter behind him.

Tony carried the box with James' remaining Hanukkah presents into the common room. He planned to just sit them on the hearth. He'd seen that James had finished burning the candles through the end of the festival. At least Tony hadn't messed up James religious holiday by staying away. The Menorah was still on the mantel, so when he had Friday call James in tomorrow morning, the gifts would still be appropriate, not automatically Christmas related. If he could talk with James, he was almost sure they could work this out. Now that his shock was over, he realized that how he felt hadn't changed. He almost didn't see James standing by the tree, he was so still.

James turned quickly at the sound of a throat clearing behind him. "Hey, Tony." He looked at the box in Tony's arms and then at the gift in his hand. He gestured with it, showing Tony what he was holding. "I, um... I was just, I'm sorry. I was just leaving your Christmas gift under the tree."

There was a long moment of silence before he continued. He made the effort to look Tony in the eyes. "And, I wanted to say thank you for all the help you've given me these past months. I really feel like my mind is my own. I owe you so much. I know I can't repay that, and with your parents, I know I can't ever make up for that." That said, he dropped his eyes and watched his own flexing hand, focusing on his metal fingers. "So, the day after tomorrow, I'll clear out. It isn't fair for me to keep staying here when I'm the one who... when I've hurt you and ruined everything."

Tony laughed quietly, "I was just bringing your Hanukkah presents." He set the box on the coffee table. "But, um, yeah. I've done nothing but think about this for three weeks. I was angry at first. At you, yes, but also at Steve. You said you didn't know and I believe you. I know that what HYDRA made you do was never your choice. I was emotionally compromised. I just had to, I don't know, go through the grieving process again."

He clenched his hands into fists. "I was so mad. Pissed that I spent years believing it was Howard's fault. Pissed that HYDRA killed my mother just to get to Howard. But most of all, I was, am, so very pissed at Steve Rogers and his hypocritical sanctimonious superiority."

Tony relaxed his hands and stepped closer to James. He took the gift from James flesh hand and reached for his mechanical one at the same time. James let him place the present beside the box Tony had brought in. It was hard for him to let Tony hold his metal hand. The hand he had used to kill Tony's parents.

"James. I don't want you to go. Stay. I'm not mad at you. I don't blame you. I had to get my head straight, and maybe it took too long. If you can't be here because I made you wait, I understand. But I really don't want you to go." Tony stepped into James' space, chests almost touching. He tilted his head up and waited. He didn't expect James to kiss him, but he hoped he would give him some indication that Tony could initiate a kiss.

James nodded his head. He felt overwhelmed. It seemed impossible that Tony could forgive him. That Tony could ever even want to be in his presence, let alone want James to live with him, maybe be with him. It was the best Christmas present he had ever received.

Tony took the nod as a signal that James was amenable. He placed one hand on James' jaw, curled his fingers into the short scruff there, letting his nails scratch just a bit. He encouraged James to tilt his face down and he lifted up so their mouths could meet. It was a soft kiss at first. Similar to the first one they had shared. It didn't take long before the kiss deepened. Tony let hope into his heart.

 

On New Year's Eve, Tony and James met on the balcony a few minutes before midnight. They each held a champagne flute of sparkling grape juice. They had been slow about trying to rebuild their connection. James was feeling like he walked on eggshells, while Tony was still emotionally unbalanced. It was awkward between them and they were both tired of that.

"Hey, doll. I missed you today. You get a lot done in the shop?"

"Yeah. Another upgrade for the Stark-pad ready to go to Pepper on the 2nd. New Year starting soon. Soon? Momentarily." Tony turned to fully face James. "This year, I am resolving to stay on the wagon. And stay in therapy." He nodded his head decisively. "You have resolutions? It's tradition."

James took a minute to answer, a thoughtful look on his face. "Well. I think I want to stop tiptoeing around you and get back to where we were a month ago." He smiled brightly and nuzzled his cheek against Tony's. Tony turned into the motion and James brought their mouths together in a gentle kiss. His face then turned solemn. "And probably, I need to finally meet with Steve. Are those good resolutions?"

"Wow. They really are. I can help you with Steve. Even though I am so mad at him I want to blast his face off. No reason why that should stop you." Tony leaned a little more into James' chest, looking up through his lashes. "Us, though? I would really like it if we could do that." He stepped back a bit, dropping the coy look. "You know, I can't forget. I want to say I can forgive, but I don't think you are the one who needs forgiving. You, James, didn't do it. The Winter Soldier isn't even a whole person, and he isn't here to forgive. HYDRA doesn't deserve forgiveness."

James lowered his eyes and broke that contact with Tony. "I feel like I am the one who needs forgiving, but I don't feel like I deserve it. Intellectually, I know it wasn't me, James, who did all that shit for HYDRA. But I also feel like The Winter Soldier is me. All those deaths weigh on my soul." He rubbed his flesh hand up and down the nape of his neck under his hair. "The Winter Soldier may not be a separate person, but he is an aspect of me. Thankfully, one that isn't active or overt anymore, but he's still me. I do really want to move past this though."

"Then we'll move past it. No more distance. No more worrying about how the other feels about those weeks. Just, move on." Tony wanted James to understand how serious he was. They could put this behind them if they tried.

"Do you think it can be that easy?" James looked skeptical.

"Like that saying, 'fake it til you make it'. If you still feel some wariness, try telling yourself it isn't warranted. Push past the insecurity and think positively. I promise I'll do the same."

"Okay. Okay. I can do that." James kissed Tony again. A bit more forcefully than before. Sealing their pact.

Tony smiled, "Here's to new beginnings". He clinked his glass against James'.

James grinned and his face lit up. "To new beginnings."

As Friday projected the countdown starting at 10 seconds, Tony moved into James' arms. James kissed Tony's forehead first then moved to his cheekbone, down to the edge of his jaw near his ear. Tony tilted his face so that their lips finally met as the countdown zeroed out.

They would start the new year with a clean slate for their relationship.

**Author's Note:**

> I am fulfilling a short prompt for getting back together, as well as likes for established (developing? maybe both!) relationship, angst, and happy ending.  
> As a small bonus related to some other suggestions, I am setting this with MCU Tony and Bucky alone in the tower for Christmas, though not unexpectedly so.
> 
>  
> 
> p.s. I used a small near direct quote from Captain America: Civil War. I rephrased a bit, but it's the scene in the Siberian bunker when Tony questions Steve about knowing Bucky killed the Starks. I wanted the symmetry, so I stole the lines.


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